Dear 15 Year Old Me


July 26, 2016

Hello to the 15 year old me, from your 31 year old self.

I just saw a rather unflattering photo of you earlier, while mindlessly browsing through Facebook on this gloomy July afternoon. The mouse’s pointer hovering over the un-tag button. You, I mean, I, just had a hell of a week, month even and in no mood to be bombarded with comments today.

I closed the window on your grinning face and went back to typing my report on how many people bothered customer services this quarter. By hour 2 of me futilely searching for yet another word to say ‘increased’, I looked for your face again.

I can still remember you.

Carefree, you with the bright eyes and wide smile. Big heart full of dreams and ideals.

I looked at myself and tried to see if you are still there.

Face is slightly pudgy now, eyes tired and beaming lips almost perpetually on a frown. Squinting, I tried to look harder. And then gave a small smile.

Though faintly, I can still see a glimmer of you, 15 year old me.

And as if on cue, you looked up from the book your head is buried in (like I always remembered you), and gave your slightly older version a thumbs up. Like saying, hang in there old hag, it’ll get better. It always does.

My heart revived, with self-love swarming back. It was so easy to get lost, so easy to just fade in, to lose sight of who I was.

Thank you, 15 year old me. That felt like an antidote. With no other reason, I felt slightly better. I straighten my slouch and gave myself a much needed pep talk.

Yes, 31 year old self, it felt like you’re drowning now but remember, YOU DO KNOW HOW TO SWIM.

And swam I did.

If truth be told, 2016 has not been kind to me. I’ve been feeling down, maybe it’s postpartum baby blues, maybe it’s stress.

I’m in a bad mood for most of the time, taking out my unhappiness at home and at the office. I just want to sleep and had to literally drag myself to do things, I’ve been unproductive and it’s alarmingly evident at work. I overate and gained pounds.

I knew I hit rock bottom when husband and I no longer talk and I was snapping at the kids. I’d go to work and just stare at my computer hoping that I won’t be asked what the hell I’m doing because, I was just spacing out.

But I’d like to think that I’m better now.

It was a struggle and it took awhile for me to get to my happy place. There were things I hoped I’ve done differently, like I could have tried speaking to a friend about it.

But what saved me, as always, was writing.

Pretty much like when I was in high school where I’d write in my diary, putting into words  my small victories and big worries. Reading through them now, I now have a renewed appreciation of what I have in my life.


13 thoughts on “Dear 15 Year Old Me

  1. Cai Dominguez says:

    Makes me feel like browsing my old
    Photos and see how improved from time to time. Surely, it will be a bitter sweet moment. I will start laughing on how I looked before. But I’m thankful, today I’m a better version of myself.


  2. Jenny Holmquist says:

    I absolutely love this blog post with your letter. You’re a talented writer/storyteller. You know that, right? And things will get better, it always does when you’re aware. Keep up the good work!🙂


  3. mariaisquixotic says:

    That was a trip back to the past. I guess? Anyway, this made me remember my 15 y/o self also and the carefree things I used to do or be. It was just the era where you won’t be thinking of stuff like adulting or whatever and also the time wherein you’d ask yourself what do you want to be. Trying to figure things out. Tbh, this post has got me thinking about things.


  4. Ma.Me.Mi.Mommy says:

    I’m glad that you’ve found your happy place again. I do agree with you that getting your thoughts into writing is very helpful and therapeutic. I hope your road to happiness is continuous already.🙂


  5. Liz Aquino says:

    Don’t get me wrong but this gave me the creeps because it felt like reading a page from my own book. Heck, you just described my 2016 and my life in general (sans the postpartum and husband issues). Even the spacing out at work. LOL! And yes, writing has always been my outlet. I still maintain a journal and I still write every chance I get. It’s still a struggle these days but I think I am starting to cope. And yeah, I believe we will bounce back stronger. 😊


  6. Gracie says:

    What a very honest post sis. We, moms, are often tired & overwhelmed with our roles in life. Sometimes we just need to recharge, have a me-time once in a while and cry out to God our burdens. I’m glad that through writing you’re able to recharge sis🙂


  7. Nerisa says:

    It’s such a relief to see old photos and look at the innocent and carefree ways of our old selves. It reminds us to much to be happy and take life one problem at a time.


  8. Michelle D.A. says:

    Hello Mommy Kach! I can feel your exhaustion. I would really suggest you go on a retreat like the one I had last May, the Mindful Moms Re-Treat. It was such an uplifting session. It feels good to know that you’re not alone with that kind of thoughts. All moms need a break talaga. Virtual hugs to you! Don’t forget to pray.🙂


  9. gilian says:

    Browsing old phOtos make us remember how we have grown.🙂 I’ve recently browsed my old photos as well, thanks to fb mrmories and it has somewhow led me to happy places where I have drawn smiles once again.🙂 Sometimes, we just really need to look back at the happy times, not to dwell but to draw strength.🙂


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